Aftermath

No matter the distance, the miles of

fights and broken screams

There’s always a moment when we figure out

what it all means.

Laying here inside your love

hearing your heart beat free,

the melody inside your soul

brings me back to “I Believe.”

Update and “Everything”

Life has been busier and more difficult than usual lately – if that’s even possible. I try not to complain though because I’ve learned the hard way that life can always get worse. Hardships disguise themselves as trials but I think positivity is the real challenge. Every once in awhile though, pure joy shines and a sense of calm bliss finds its home in the centre of my being. Most often, those moments resemble this one:

 

Whatever else is going on, I have the best friend and partner that even my imagination couldn’t conjur before I met him. There are many things about our relationship that people don’t understand – and I couldn’t care less. We work together, we love each other, we cry and laugh and worry together…and sometimes he just plays me music while I find my bliss again…

I’m working on that positivity…and “if the while I think on thee dear friend, all losses are restored and sorrows end.” (William Shakespeare, Sonnet 30)

 

I Feel You

As the birds harmonize over the sound of traffic and the leaves rustle and whisper like ghosts in the shadows, I feel you here – away from time – in a world that exists in our hearts – wide open and free, intimate and deep…

Choices

We have so few choices in our lives. Sure, we have millions of little decisions every day, but I’m talking about the big ones. We’re brought into this world, into a country and economic bracket that wasn’t of our choosing, into a skin that we didn’t get to choose, into a complex jumble of neurotransmitters and other biological determinates that weren’t of our choosing… We cling to the notion that we are products of our own design – but we forget that the foundation on which we build ourselves, was handed to us without options.

I hate my looks, curse my weaknesses, wish I could’ve won a bit more in the DNA lottery… I am haunted by what I’ve lost and what I couldn’t reach. I get so caught up in wishing I could’ve been born with more, that I forget that I was born with so much.

I wasn’t born in a place where water is scarce, or where bullets fly over my head on a daily basis. The fact that I’m a woman doesn’t condemn me to a life without rights, where I am someone else’s property. My child has food. My child has dreams. My child is able to be a child, not a soldier.

Sometimes it’s hard to look at your own life with perspective but flip on the news and see what life could’ve been like – what it IS like for someone else – through no choices of their own. If you feel safe in this moment, if you feel loved, if you have food and a roof, then maybe you’re luckier than you think.

To Jamie

You are not forgotten.

You walk with us every day.

The pain never fades.
The anger never fades.
The absolute horror never fades.

Losing you destroyed us.

It’s been so long that I can’t remember what it was like…

We used to measure your absence by days, then months, then years…
Now we measure it by what you’ve missed.
You didn’t know Mickey.
You don’t know Cooper.
You don’t know Anto.
You don’t know this house or where we’ve gone…

You don’t know Brandon.

Would you recognize us now?

Someday I will write something eloquent to honour you but at the moment, I’m not worthy. I need to learn more. And I need to grieve less.

You are not forgotten.