This is going to be a particularly self-indulgent blog but at the moment let’s just embrace the idea that all expression is self-indulgent so why even try to draw lines. 🙂 As long as I don’t wander into self-pitying territory, I’ll call it a win.
There have been three ‘events’ that have been taking centre-stage in my life this week.
1) I’ve been sick this week. Some of you know I have fibromyalgia but I’ve also had a chest infection that left me desperate for oxygen for a few days. I’m feeling stronger tonight so hopefully I’ll be back to ‘fighting form’ soon.
2) Anto and I released another cover. He’s singing some more Goo Goo Dolls and as always, I’m very proud of him. Working together is a strange and wonderful combination of passion/love/job/partnership… It is a job (being his personal manager and of course writing together) that few people in my personal life take seriously or respect, but I’m more committed to it than any other work I’ve ever done. This is who I am. The fact that I love it and get to create and build something together with someone who loves me, is one of the greatest blessings in my life.
3) This is a bad week for my family. Twenty years ago tonight my brother was killed in a car accident. I know twenty years sounds like a long time to some of you, but his loss is always with us. Every year is a bit different. The week leading up to this day is full of other milestones like his birthday and my parents’ Anniversary. It’s also packed with other milestones that seem to haunt us – every March something disastrous seems to happen to our family! Except last year. Last year nothing horrible happened and this year, crossing my fingers, we’ve done okay. (My mother would likely disagree since I’ve been so sick. I’m sure she chalks emergency room visits up to the curse of March but..)
So the bottom line in all this is that I’m particularly grateful to the people who are by my side in this moment. My natural reaction is to focus on who isn’t there for me – and admittedly I’ve done that. I get frustrated that I don’t see support from people who I wish would support me. When I’m excited about stuff I’ve written, stuff that I’ve been working hard on and no one in my personal life bothers to check it out, it depresses me. I know this is a common complaint amongst creative types but sometimes it really does get me down.
And now I’m getting to the end of the post and I don’t even remember why I started writing… I think it has to do with the day. I wish I could write something brilliant for my brother, I wish I could touch people with my writing more, I wish I could make Anto’s and my dreams come true faster, I wish I could’ve spent more time with my son this week rather than being cooped up in this bedroom…
Guess I wandered across the line into self-pity…
So time to dust myself off and get back into fighting mode. Tonight will be a long night but tomorrow I know I’ll feel stronger.
PS – To those people who ARE there for me, I love you and I never take you for granted. You are the reason I believe in everything good.