March 20

This is going to be a particularly self-indulgent blog but at the moment let’s just embrace the idea that all expression is self-indulgent so why even try to draw lines. ūüôā As long as I don’t wander into self-pitying territory, I’ll call it a win.

There have been three ‘events’ that have been taking centre-stage in my life this week.

1) I’ve been sick this week. Some of you know I have¬†fibromyalgia but I’ve also had a chest infection that left me desperate for oxygen for¬†a few days.¬†I’m feeling stronger tonight so hopefully¬†I’ll be¬†back to ‘fighting form’ soon.

2) Anto and I released another cover. He’s singing some more Goo Goo Dolls and as always, I’m very proud of him. Working together is a strange and wonderful combination of passion/love/job/partnership… It is¬†a¬†job¬†(being his personal manager and of course writing together) that few¬†people in¬†my personal¬†life take seriously¬†or respect, but I’m more committed to it than any other work I’ve ever done. This is who I am. The fact that I love it and get to create and build something together with someone who loves me, is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

3)¬†This is a bad week¬†for my family. Twenty years ago tonight my brother was killed in a car accident. I know twenty years sounds like a long time to some of you, but his loss is always with us. Every year is a bit different. The week¬†leading up to¬†this day is full of other milestones like¬†his birthday and¬†my parents’ Anniversary. It’s also packed with other milestones that seem to haunt us – every March something disastrous¬†seems to happen to our family! Except last year. Last year nothing horrible happened and this year, crossing my fingers, we’ve done okay. (My mother would likely disagree since I’ve been so sick. I’m sure she chalks¬†emergency room visits¬†up to the curse of March¬†but..)

So the bottom line in all this is that I’m¬†particularly grateful to the people who are by my side in this moment.¬†My¬†natural reaction is to focus on who isn’t there for me – and admittedly I’ve done that.¬†I get frustrated that I don’t see support from people who I wish would support me. When I’m excited about stuff I’ve written, stuff that I’ve been working hard on and no one in my personal life bothers to check it out, it depresses me. I know this is a common complaint amongst creative types but sometimes it really does get me down.

And now I’m getting to the end of the post and I don’t even remember why I started writing… I think it has to do with the day. I wish I could write something brilliant for my brother, I wish I could touch people with my writing more, I wish I could make Anto’s and my¬†dreams come true faster, I wish I could’ve spent more time with my son this week rather than being cooped up in this bedroom…

Guess I wandered across the line into self-pity…¬†

So time to dust myself off and get back into fighting mode. Tonight will be a long night but tomorrow I know I’ll feel stronger.

PS РTo those people who ARE there for me, I love you and I never take you for granted. You are the reason I believe in everything good. 

Aftermath

No matter the distance, the miles of

fights and broken screams

There’s always a moment when we figure out

what it all means.

Laying here inside your love

hearing your heart beat free,

the melody inside your soul

brings me back to “I Believe.”

Update and “Everything”

Life has been busier and more difficult¬†than¬†usual lately – if that’s even possible. I try not to complain¬†though because I’ve learned the hard way that¬†life can always get worse. Hardships disguise themselves as trials but I think positivity is the real challenge. Every once in awhile though,¬†pure joy shines and a¬†sense of calm¬†bliss finds its home in the centre of my being. Most often, those moments resemble this one:

 

Whatever else is going on, I have the best friend and partner that even my imagination couldn’t conjur before I met him. There are many things about our relationship that people don’t understand – and I couldn’t care less. We work together, we love each other, we cry and laugh and worry together…and sometimes he just plays me music while I find my bliss again…

I’m working on that positivity…and “if the¬†while I think on thee dear friend, all losses are restored and sorrows end.” (William Shakespeare, Sonnet 30)

 

I Feel You

As the birds harmonize over the sound of traffic and the leaves rustle and whisper like ghosts in the shadows, I feel you here – away from time – in a world that exists in our hearts – wide open and free, intimate and deep…

Exhausted

If you fight until you’re exhausted,¬†until every bit of anger and ego, every ghost of past hurts is extinguished, until you’re so spent that all that remains is¬†the ability to listen…then you’ve done it right.

Take From Me…

Take from me what you need,
Lean on me when you’re weak,
Expect me to love you,
Assume my shoulder is always yours…
 
But don’t ever be fooled –
Don’t think that I can’t see…
You use me and give back…what?
 
It’s getting easier for me not to care.

Masquerade

The first lie was the hardest,
but the masquerade gets easier.
Hiding in front of them all,
we pretend there’s nothing between us.

Every time you touch my soul
I want to shout and claim you as mine,
But this secret I will keep…
and we’ll cherish every hidden kiss.

The Real Beauty is Reality

Publicity perfection,

posed for the rest of the world.

Measured light, cropped and spun –¬†

every shot is meant to stun. 

Symbols of us used as props –¬†

a promise around your neck, 

our book in leather, held tight –¬†

no other signs could burn so bright.

But the best pictures of you 

are out of focus, over-exposed –¬†

memories meant just for me…¬†

the part of you the world doesn’t see.

Just Another Night

The soft sounds of a breath, a tender chuckle, an ‘I love you’ in the night…

these gentle reverberations, so close and so intimate,

have the power to seige fortresses and win wars…

The depth of how our eyes hold steady and peer deep into each other’s souls…

In a single flash there is a crushing vulnerability that

by the sheer fact of its existance, creates unyielding strength. Everything exposed. Everything confessed. Everything safe in unquestionable trust

It’s just another night spent with you.

An Eden Sinking

A tapestry beautiful and alive..
woven out of ribbon so rich and dense,
that it shimmers with nature’s first green,
Intricate layers of secrets and trust,
mysteries and magic that no one else can understand.
 
Judged from a distance,
the story is hidden within the picture –
a garden of hues – delicate threads of golden strength,
each stitch of every leaf is the battle, the love, the reason…
the belief in me and you…
 
But as the sun goes down, its dying glow
illuminating the warp and weft of what we’ve created,
the frayed edges of a hole are betrayed –
revealing an emptiness where the beauty falters,
not able to stay in the ugliness of words not spoken.