March 20

This is going to be a particularly self-indulgent blog but at the moment let’s just embrace the idea that all expression is self-indulgent so why even try to draw lines. ūüôā As long as I don’t wander into self-pitying territory, I’ll call it a win.

There have been three ‘events’ that have been taking centre-stage in my life this week.

1) I’ve been sick this week. Some of you know I have¬†fibromyalgia but I’ve also had a chest infection that left me desperate for oxygen for¬†a few days.¬†I’m feeling stronger tonight so hopefully¬†I’ll be¬†back to ‘fighting form’ soon.

2) Anto and I released another cover. He’s singing some more Goo Goo Dolls and as always, I’m very proud of him. Working together is a strange and wonderful combination of passion/love/job/partnership… It is¬†a¬†job¬†(being his personal manager and of course writing together) that few¬†people in¬†my personal¬†life take seriously¬†or respect, but I’m more committed to it than any other work I’ve ever done. This is who I am. The fact that I love it and get to create and build something together with someone who loves me, is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

3)¬†This is a bad week¬†for my family. Twenty years ago tonight my brother was killed in a car accident. I know twenty years sounds like a long time to some of you, but his loss is always with us. Every year is a bit different. The week¬†leading up to¬†this day is full of other milestones like¬†his birthday and¬†my parents’ Anniversary. It’s also packed with other milestones that seem to haunt us – every March something disastrous¬†seems to happen to our family! Except last year. Last year nothing horrible happened and this year, crossing my fingers, we’ve done okay. (My mother would likely disagree since I’ve been so sick. I’m sure she chalks¬†emergency room visits¬†up to the curse of March¬†but..)

So the bottom line in all this is that I’m¬†particularly grateful to the people who are by my side in this moment.¬†My¬†natural reaction is to focus on who isn’t there for me – and admittedly I’ve done that.¬†I get frustrated that I don’t see support from people who I wish would support me. When I’m excited about stuff I’ve written, stuff that I’ve been working hard on and no one in my personal life bothers to check it out, it depresses me. I know this is a common complaint amongst creative types but sometimes it really does get me down.

And now I’m getting to the end of the post and I don’t even remember why I started writing… I think it has to do with the day. I wish I could write something brilliant for my brother, I wish I could touch people with my writing more, I wish I could make Anto’s and my¬†dreams come true faster, I wish I could’ve spent more time with my son this week rather than being cooped up in this bedroom…

Guess I wandered across the line into self-pity…¬†

So time to dust myself off and get back into fighting mode. Tonight will be a long night but tomorrow I know I’ll feel stronger.

PS РTo those people who ARE there for me, I love you and I never take you for granted. You are the reason I believe in everything good. 

Grey

Foggy shadows pass by –¬†disguised as the world,

laughing and unaware that you’re no longer here.

Colour fades beneath the pain –

everything’s stripped away,

                 except the colour of grey.

To Jamie

You are not forgotten.

You walk with us every day.

The pain never fades.
The anger never fades.
The absolute horror never fades.

Losing you destroyed us.

It’s been so long that I can’t remember what it was like…

We used to measure your absence by days, then months, then years…
Now we measure it by what you’ve missed.
You didn’t know Mickey.
You don’t know Cooper.
You don’t know Anto.
You don’t know this house or where we’ve gone…

You don’t know Brandon.

Would you recognize us now?

Someday I will write something eloquent to honour you but at the moment, I’m not worthy. I need to learn more. And I need to grieve less.

You are not forgotten.