March 20

This is going to be a particularly self-indulgent blog but at the moment let’s just embrace the idea that all expression is self-indulgent so why even try to draw lines. 🙂 As long as I don’t wander into self-pitying territory, I’ll call it a win.

There have been three ‘events’ that have been taking centre-stage in my life this week.

1) I’ve been sick this week. Some of you know I have fibromyalgia but I’ve also had a chest infection that left me desperate for oxygen for a few days. I’m feeling stronger tonight so hopefully I’ll be back to ‘fighting form’ soon.

2) Anto and I released another cover. He’s singing some more Goo Goo Dolls and as always, I’m very proud of him. Working together is a strange and wonderful combination of passion/love/job/partnership… It is a job (being his personal manager and of course writing together) that few people in my personal life take seriously or respect, but I’m more committed to it than any other work I’ve ever done. This is who I am. The fact that I love it and get to create and build something together with someone who loves me, is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

3) This is a bad week for my family. Twenty years ago tonight my brother was killed in a car accident. I know twenty years sounds like a long time to some of you, but his loss is always with us. Every year is a bit different. The week leading up to this day is full of other milestones like his birthday and my parents’ Anniversary. It’s also packed with other milestones that seem to haunt us – every March something disastrous seems to happen to our family! Except last year. Last year nothing horrible happened and this year, crossing my fingers, we’ve done okay. (My mother would likely disagree since I’ve been so sick. I’m sure she chalks emergency room visits up to the curse of March but..)

So the bottom line in all this is that I’m particularly grateful to the people who are by my side in this moment. My natural reaction is to focus on who isn’t there for me – and admittedly I’ve done that. I get frustrated that I don’t see support from people who I wish would support me. When I’m excited about stuff I’ve written, stuff that I’ve been working hard on and no one in my personal life bothers to check it out, it depresses me. I know this is a common complaint amongst creative types but sometimes it really does get me down.

And now I’m getting to the end of the post and I don’t even remember why I started writing… I think it has to do with the day. I wish I could write something brilliant for my brother, I wish I could touch people with my writing more, I wish I could make Anto’s and my dreams come true faster, I wish I could’ve spent more time with my son this week rather than being cooped up in this bedroom…

Guess I wandered across the line into self-pity… 

So time to dust myself off and get back into fighting mode. Tonight will be a long night but tomorrow I know I’ll feel stronger.

PS – To those people who ARE there for me, I love you and I never take you for granted. You are the reason I believe in everything good. 

13 thoughts on “March 20

  1. Hi Chrissy: Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts and reflections. You and your Mom and Dad have been on my mind a great deal during the past weeks. I only too well remember hearing the devastating news 20 years ago about Jamie. I can only imagine your grief, heart-ache and constant pain as the years have moved on without him. It always hurts so badly when we lose a loved one, especially at such a young age. I know that I still miss my Dad terribly, and can hardly believe that he has been gone almost ten years. Love does not quit, or fade away, but always remains within us, ready to resurface at any time, for any number of reasons. I love what you are doing with your life, and so much admire your wonderful talent, and your positive attitude. You are such a gifted, wise and caring woman. I know how proud your Mom and Dad are of you, and I am thankful that we have got to become better acquainted through the past several months. You are an amazing young lady!!

    • Thank you so much Karen. Your opinion matters a great deal to me because you’re a woman I truly respect. Getting to know you better has been such an honour. Your support and constant encouragement is appreciated more than you know.
      I can’t believe your Dad has been gone almost ten years. I imagine he was very proud of you! Losing someone whom you love so deeply is never something you get ‘over’ and I think it’s okay that it defines us as long as we don’t let it limit us. We come from strong stock. 🙂

  2. Hey Chrissy!

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. I hope that every day you get better and stronger than the day before.

    I am amazed that the people in your life don’t take what you and Anto do seriously. You are brilliant, separately and collectively. The music Anto writes and the lyrics you write always make me think about life, love, friendship, appreciation and endurance. While I like the covers that Anto does I love his own compositions. I love his passion in playing the music and singing the words. I am amazed at what the two of you accomplish together. I love the way you support each other. I love that you share all of it with us.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Twenty years isn’t long when you love someone and grieve for them. My sister died 23 years ago in February. There are times when it feels like a life time ago and times when it seems like yesterday. February is not a happy month for me. I believe that even when the body dies, love never does. I believe we keep our loved ones alive in our hearts because we continue to love them for the rest of our lives. As for writing something brilliant for your brother… you just did!

    As for wishing you could make you and Anto’s dreams come true faster they will come true at the right time. If they come too fast you might not appreciate it as much as if you have to wait awhile longer and to work a little more.

    March 20th …. The first full day of Spring… new season, new life, a new start. I have so much respect and admiration for you. You have found what you are passionate about and you have found a way to make your passion your life.

    Karen B!

    • I think Anto summed up how we feel about you the other night with far fewer words than it would take me. ❤ Thank you for everything. Words fail me. I’ve been trying to think of a worthy comment back but I’m at a loss. I hope you know how much I appreciate you. ::hugs::

  3. Hey, Chris,

    I know the pain of fibromyalgia. To add any health or emotional issue on top of that is an awful lot to cope with. I hope you feel a bit better soon, although I know “a bit better” is a relative thing with this condition.

    I also understand about death anniversaries. My dad killed himself 50 years ago on March 18. While I try to celebrate his birthday rather than his death day, I can’t help but think about it when the day comes and goes. I’m sorry for the grief you continue to feel. It doesn’t go away; it just gets different.

    And while I’m being empathetic, I also know what it feels like to pour yourself into your work and not have people around you (people you care about) acknowledge your efforts as legitimate work. All I can say to that is to hang on to the passion that drives you to do such amazing things with the talent you have.

    I know a lot of us will be saying, “We knew her when…” 🙂

    • You are such a great lady Lorna! You’ve been through so much and yet you retain your wicked sense of humour and positive attitude. Thank you for sharing and being so empathetic – especially since this week was a heavy one for you as well. It’s never easy to acknowledge the anniversary of a death but I imagine it’s more complicated when it’s the result of a suicide. If I remember right, you were very young when your Dad died.
      Wouldn’t it be great to have a time machine, if only for an hour, to go back and ask questions, talk to them, tell them what we need to say…

  4. As a fellow FMS sufferer, I understand where you’re coming from. Any illness is made made worse because of it. As to the loss of your brother, you have my condolences. Twenty years doesn’t make a tragic loss any less tragic. It didn’t take me long to realize that some of the people I thought would support me weren’t all that interested in what I was doing. For some reason, once I stopped expecting it, interest picked up.
    Keep doing what you’re doing and don’t worry about the rest.

  5. I guess I`m too late now…everything already has been said in the other comments above! 🙂 anyway, you are a strong woman! I know some times are really hard, but I learned that if you can deal with those, nothing else can bring you down.
    and I agree with Karen that it is really sad that people don`t respect the work Anto and you are doing. I`m really glad I passed your music, because it already helped me so much ❤ you two definitely deserve to be heard!
    so stay strong! I`m sure your brother would be very proud of you! ❤

  6. I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. I had no idea. I’m glad to hear you seem to be doing better. Hi, by the way.

    Haha, it’s been a while since I’ve been back on here.

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